Swimming Suit Season

Hello lovely people! I am going to finally make my first post. When my amazing friend Lindsay talked about us starting this blog I became immediately excited and cannot wait to share this with her and anyone else that decides to check it out.

So this last week I came to a place in my life that I didn't know would be possible. As a teenager I had the body I've always considered my "ideal body". I felt very confident in my appearance but I've come to realize years later that my body is what I based most of my self worth on from the time I emerged from puberty until recently. I know that appearance does play a major part in many people's self worth, but I had it bad.

When I had my daughter at nineteen my thin body went away. I gained fifty pounds with the pregnancy. My marriage was failing and I was sure that it was my fault because my body had changed. I had stretch marks on my stomach that looked like a road map and the "mom boobs". After my divorce I felt completely worthless and believed I had nothing to offer because I was no longer beautiful.

I threw away my swimsuit three years ago. I just haven't owned one. I've avoided all situations that require them. I hated my body so much that I couldn't bear seeing myself in a bathing suit and was too humiliated for another person to see me, and I stopped enjoying life. My daughter who will be seven this summer has not had much experience in pools because she doesn't know how to swim and I sure as Hell wasn't getting in there to help her, lest I blind someone with my oh so monstrous form.

One year ago I finally worked through the pain and hurt I had been carrying around with me since my divorce. I let go of that little teenage girl I had wanted so badly to look like again. I made an effort to love myself. I decided that my daughter will not feel the way that I have felt about my body if I can help it. I need to show my daughter how to love herself, so I have faked it. I stopped being embarrassed when she would come around me changing clothes. I used to be so scared that those would be images that might stick with her the rest of her life (how embarrassing!). I changed. I always made sure she knew that I loved my body and I am beautiful even if I didn't know it.

Finally this year I decided I want to have fun. I want to enjoy myself again! So I did the dreaded thing and got a bathing suit. I avoided the dressing rooms with all the mirrors and hundreds of suits for me to try on and the chance to analyze every imperfection I found. I took a chance and did something I hardly ever do and ordered it online. I spent a week waiting for it to come and felt excited but nervous. The day came and it was on my doorstep. I grabbed it and tried it on right away, expecting to be disappointed. Oh well I'm more worried about having fun, right?


I pulled it on and stepped in front of the mirror. I was amazed to see that I wasn't only not disappointed, but I was happy. I was so happy to see myself. I was wearing a swimsuit and I looked SO happy! I felt good in it. I didn't just feel the I-don't-care-what-other-people-think-of-me-cause-I'm-comfortable happy but I felt like I looked good. My daughter was there and when she saw me smiling, she said "Mommy, you're beautiful". I'm not sure whether it would have been as easy for her to see that had I been frowning and taking note of everything that looked bad. The amazing thing is that I was actually fifteen pounds lighter when I swore off swimsuits three years ago.


So this year I am going to have fun, I am going to get in the pool, I am going to the water park! Because I won't let anymore misconceptions of beauty stop me from having fun with my daughter, and her having experiences children deserve to have with their parents.